Late diagnosed Autistic & ready to unmask?

Have you ever heard the term "unmasking" before? Chances are that you may have. Especially if you are a late diagnosed autistic person.

What is this concept? Let's start with the mask.

Growing up as an undiagnosed autistic ___. Identity. Personal appearance. Self worth. Failure & Success. Communication. Sexuality. Gender.

If you have masked, then you were once a child trying to understand why you don't fit in. You try to observe and learn. How do people respond to seemingly common questions like "what's up?" Why do they say it? How do they hold their hands when they walk? How fast do they walk? How much eye contact do they use -- and when do you stop using eye contact?

It always comes back to questioning what is wrong with you.

Because something must be. No one else appears confused.

This starts to be more evident for pre-teens and teenagers. Social communication becomes increasingly complex. There are now unsaid social rules to learn, microexpressions to remain vigilant for, hidden meanings behind phrases and an overall shift toward focusing on romantic interactions.

Perhaps in preschool and elementary school, things felt okay. But now things are not okay.

Oftentimes, this is where we learn that we need to mask heavily to survive, and unmasking could be dangerous. It could mean losing friends, being bullied or being outcasted. In today's world, it could mean cyberbullying follows you home. There is no escape. And so the pressure to mask grows more intensely.

Those of us who make it past this stage frequently question why we feel incapable of adulting. Why does it seem easy to others but it feels so impossible?

Why does it feel so difficult to make friends -- and even harder to retain friendships? You may force yourself into putting on your social mask and hanging out with people until you feel you have nothing left in you. This often ends in an episode of couch paralysis and not wanting to move or socialize for days.

And your friendships may feel intense because small talk is weird. But trauma-dumping and talking about intense things is connecting, right? Being silly and sarcastic to pick on a friend feels like connecting until they tell you that they can't tell if you're being serious and you feel too intense.

So you make another mental note of how to later paint your mask for the next day.

At the end, you create what appears to be a masterpiece. You once came into society as an alien, unsure of how to even have the most basic communication, but somehow ended up painting an incredible mask that allows you to blend in seamlessly among others. You appear social and friendly. You make friends easily and are highly intuitive to picking up any shifts in emotions. You understand social rules, how society works and although sometimes you question morality of people, you appear to be functioning.

You also people please. You find that people take advantage of you. You find that you say "yes" to everything at the expense of your own peace.

Perhaps you have forced yourself to have causal sexual encounters with people to find some bit of self worth or connection and only found hurt. You constantly are searching people to better understand their emotions, intent, and interpret every verbal and nonverbal cue. As you interact, you question why you would say something so stupid, weird or inappropriate. And you replay it in your head. Over and over.

It starts a shame spiral.

One that doesn't ever really go away. Because you want to fit in so badly, but you know you don't.

You find yourself having slightly different masks for every social variation -- and reflecting on that, who are you? What are you without the mask?

This is where we sit down and question what unmasking even means. And it can feel scary, because many of us have kept those masks on day and night for years. We are not sure what exists underneath, nevermind how to dissolve the adhesive that keeps it there.

Unmasking means giving society a giant "fuck you: I don't fit in sod I'm going to stop trying and just own it."

That is incredibly vulnerable. In the same way there are people who fear removing a heavy face of makeup to expose a natural face to a new partner, we fear exposing our true selves to our friends, families, or strangers. That face of makeup can cover blemishes, hide insecurities and create a persona that feels confident and beautiful. And underneath that we may have pimples, freckles, birth marks, thinned eyebrows, and our lips or lashes may be less full. We don't feel as lush. At least to the outside.

How do you unmask?

If you ever bought home decor just to fit into the current trend, a "norm" and you pushed down your quirky desires.. start there. Look up "dopamine decor." Find paintings and art that make you happy. Find colors that make you happy. If that's neon pink on your walls, bright orange rugs, rainbows everywhere and 8654093584 plants everywhere, that's cool. If it's bare white walls and no decor and keeping it super simple to prevent overstimulation, own that. That's okay too.

Wear clothing that makes you happy and comfortable. Do you find that the feeling of jeans are the worst but you do it because you feel like you have to? Fuck that too, wear what you LIKE. Is it wearing dog shirts or super childish anime shirts? Totally fine. For me, I'll wear political shirts and leggings as a uniform everywhere. I put them away for years and tried to be something else but I was not whatever that was.

Own your special interest and hobbies. Love them. Invest in them. Do people hate that you talk about it too much? Maybe it's time to find new people.

Meditate. Feel your actual soul and get to know your actual self.

Allow yourself to tell people in social situations that you need a minute to process or think about something before answering. Or "let me think about that and come back to that later." Put away the pressure of saying the right thing all the time.

Stop forcing yourself to make eye contact. We don't need to make eye contact to listen. You can respectfully listen and look down and not need to force a reaction when things are said.

Set boundaries. Did someone ask you to hang out, for a favor, to go somewhere? You can say no. You can say you are exhausted or recharging. You can say you have other plans. And if you hate going out to loud places or bars, say no. Offer other things you would feel more comfortable doing. Video coffee date? Quiet hour with a friend at your house? It doesn't need to be all day if that exhausts you.

Wear noise cancelling headphones if you need to. Who cares if people judge you?

Stim freely. Stop suppressing them. Fidget. Watch the same show on repeat. Put the same song on repeat for an entire drive -- even if someone else is in the car.

Advocate for yourself. I say things wrong sometimes. I am clumsy. I have dyspraxia. I don't know my left and rights. I spent a long time being embarrassed -- but let's just cut the shit and be open. If you need something written down because you struggle with auditory processing, ask without guilt. If you are bothered by a smell, say something. If the lighting is way too bright at your workplace, ask for a dimmer light.

Put the stigma of "autistic" away.

Stop forcing yourself to eat foods you hate or are not interested in. If you want to eat the same thing everyday for the next 6 months, do that. If that means you order from the kids menu at a fancy restaurant because it sounds the most appealing, no shame.

This list is not exhaustive.

But know that starting this process can be incredibly freeing.

Many of us have been sitting behind our masks so long, our souls haven't been able to break free to feel warm sunshine or hear birds singing. They have sat dormant in shame.

We exist at an incredible time now that autism is now being diagnosed in more women and non-binary folx. We have greater awareness of the variations that occur across humankind and we have tools to help overcome things. We also have an administration that demonizes autism -- and that alone is enough reason to pull out your biggest "fuck you, I'm going to let my soul breathe."