April marks sexual assault awareness month. In psychiatry, we see a lot of sexual assault perpetrators and survivors. Survivors of child sexual assault and adult sexual assault. You name it. I've been able to witness the impact on survivors. How this trauma can mold one's ability to perceive others, to trust others, and to carry on.
Sexual assault is one of the most personal violations that a human could do onto another.
And still, we see Brett Kavanaugh in a position of power. Donald Trump. Kevin Spacey. Larry Nasser, Jeffrey Epstein, among others have been removed during the #metoo movement. But for how many years before did the people who endured their abuse sit in their silence?
Sexual assault awareness is one of the topics I am most passionate about.
I am a survivor.
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. It took me until I was 30 years old to tell my family. It took me until I was 30 years old to even understand that what happened to me was not normal. And it was wrong. I am a psychiatric nurse practitioner who is somewhat of an expert on this topic, yet I still struggled with coming to terms that it happened to me.
I am a survivor of rape in my adult life.
The first time, when I was 20, my rapist brought me a coffee at work the following day.
For a long time, I chalked it up to being vulnerable, poor, uneducated, scared, and desperate for someone to like me to have been in that position. Maybe it was because I was exploring my sexuality, and because I had worn something low cut and I had agreed to go to his home.
I told my friends, and I was slut-shamed, blamed, and guilted. I was alone. And I coped alone.
The second time, the next rapist apologized to me via email. I almost wish I had saved it, it was just so bizarre. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry - I didn't mean to."
I was 28 the second time I was drugged and raped on a date. I had a master's degree and what would be viewed as a stable and successful life. I wasn't wearing anything provocative. I was on a date with someone I had interest in.
It was not my position in life. It was not my socioeconomic status, or my lack of a college education. It was not the fact that I didn't have a stable job, or that I wore the wrong thing. It wasn't because I put myself in a bad situation.
That is the message that many women tell themselves. We tell ourselves that we will be safe as long as we take precautions. We tell ourselves "that couldn't happen to me, that happens to other people" and find points of vulnerability that may predispose a woman to be in such a situation.
When I attended the Women's March in Phoenix years ago, I remember the speaker asking us to raise our hands if we had been sexually assaulted. I raised my hand. I watched nearly every woman surrounding me, and some men, raise their hands too. My eyes watered. I knew I was not alone, but how could there be so many of us invisibly existing in the world with this weight on our chests?
Here are some things I want you to carry with you.
For any human being:
If you are told that you have a friend or family member that raped or sexually assaulted someone, believe them. Listen to them. Hear them. People who sexually assault others do not show up out of no where, and are not typically wearing orange jumpsuits fleeing a prison. These are your family members, your friends, and members of your community. While it may be difficult to believe or imagine, it is possible. Do not discount it because "you know this person."
Support the survivor. Do not question them. Do not abandon them or disregard them. Do not tell them what to do, or offer advice. Simply listen, and ask how you can support them. Some survivors want to just be heard, and to talk..to process out loud. Some do not want to be touched and others may want to be held. Respect them and their wishes.
Talk about it. Sexual assault should not be taboo. It should not be shameful to discuss. TALK ABOUT IT.
Any person you see, or come across could be a survivor of sexual assault. It may be a teacher, lawyer, doctor, therapist, a child, a man, a woman. Any sexuality, any gender, nationality, ethnicity, race, position or job. No one is protected or immune.
If you hear of someone questioning the fault of a survivor, stand up for them.
Check in on them -- the following days, weeks and months may be difficult.
Support them getting help. They do not have to report, but therapy or medication may help ease the process of healing.
Know that you are not the sole supporter of that person. You need to provide yourself with self-care to avoid vicarious trauma, and allow others in to support them too -- this includes professionals, other friends, and family members if the survivor will allow for that.
Talk openly about the importance of consent with your family (ESPECIALLY YOUR SONS IF YOU HAVE SONS). Talk openly about the importance of consent with your sexual partner.
For those who know they have been assaulted or are questioning it:
If you are wondering if you have been sexually assaulted, you probably have. And I believe you.
If someone has removed a condom after agreeing that they would use a condom or tricked you into having unprotected sex, this is caused stealthing. And this is sexual assault.
You do not have to report anything you do not want to.
If people say they do not believe you, or they are overreacting, you do not need them in your life. They do not understand, and truly, I am so sorry that they don't. Sometimes in the case of parents, they'd rather block it out rather than accepting it. Accepting it would indicate that they could have in some way protected you and they failed. In some cases, this is true.
If you are not a female, you can still experience sexual assault. I promise you, there are more males, non-binary and transfolk who experience sexual assault than you ever will know of. The shame conceals it. And that is what your perpetrators want from you.
Know that you did not owe them. You did not deserve it.
I don't care how many coffees they bought you, beers, if they paid your rent or tuition. If they brought you on a date. YOU DO NOT OWE ANYONE ANYTHING.
Know that this is not your secret to hold. This is not your guilt, or your shame. It is theirs, and only theirs to take with them.
If you are experiencing struggles after a sexual assault, I promise you there is space to heal. I promise you that there are ways. Please reach out to us or reach out to some mental health professional that can help you with resources, processing and overcoming this. We will not let this define you.
For those who have assaulted others:
I've heard people express remorse at times, although this is more rare. Typically this means someone has hurt you or assaulted you at some time. I promise there is help for you, too. I promise there are ways to heal to stop this cycle. Please be aware of what this has done to the person you did this to. Be aware that while your apology and remorse is needed, but it will not heal anything. Sit down and listen to survivors. Listen to the impact this has had on them. Feel that. Be honest with yourself, your family and them. While you may feel bad, and sure, that is valid, the impact on that other person is lifelong.
